Every now and then, just out of the blue, you realize that you’ve been accidentally manufacturing terrible experiences for yourself. You’ve been making the same exact bad decision, over and over again, for years and years.
I had exactly that realization at Perry’s Delicatessen in Fairfax, CA: I’ve been ordering the wrong bread on sandwiches since I was a boy. I’m so ashamed. Please don’t judge.
Why the hard sourdough roll sucks
The hard sourdough roll, you see, has consistently been the sandwich platform that I request the most for the simple reason that it’s my favorite bread. Makes sense, right? If you have a choice of eight different kinds of bread, you’re obviously going to choose your favorite one. Why choose your second favorite? That makes no sense. The only problem is that, while I love the taste, hard sourdough rolls are THE WORST platform for the sandwich structure. It’s so bad, in fact, that I fervently believe that delicatessens and sandwich makers of all sorts should stop offering it. There are several reasons for this:
SPLAT: You must bite down with a lot of pressure before those teeth of yours will cut through that thick, hard sourdough crust. The immense pressure of that bite will force the condiments and ingredients to ooze out the sides, onto your Dungarees, and then down to the previously shiny tips of your brown (fuck) leather (fuck) sneakers (fuck). Fuck fuck fuck.
OUCH OUCH OUCH: For extra fun, at some point during that long, disappointing moment where your sandwich ingredients redesign your well-chosen attire, the delicious golden-brown crust is digging into the hard palate and traverse palatine folds (the little ridges) on the roof of your mouth. This then ruins your next three meals while your mouth attempts to heal from all the fucking trauma. Lovely.
“Good choice,” said the Perry’s sandwich maker when I told him I wanted my Fireman’s Special on a hard sourdough roll. Au contraire mon fucking frère. It’s a disastrous choice. Not just by me, but by you and your boss. Message to delicatessens: stop selling sandwiches on hard sourdough rolls. They are bad. Nobody wins.
Now, about Perry’s
Perry’s is a staunchly mediocre delicatessen that features prominently in my eldest son’s life. He has fond memories of going there during his lunch break in high school and getting the Fireman’s special and Yerba Matte (“This brings back memories,” he said). It’s also one of the last delicatessens in Marin that I haven’t profiled. In a nutshell, it is the perfect delicatessen if you’re enrolled in Archie Williams (nee’ Drake) high school and happen to be on your lunch break.
The decor is cafeteria chic –scuffed, dingy linoleum floors, plain wooden tables and chairs, fluorescent lighting. It’s a vibe that says, “Well, okay… if you must.” The racks of food items are like a flamboyant parade of unhealthy, packaged snackery. The small array of standard “fresh-made” salads sit quietly in the poorly lit deli case whisper-chanting, “Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me.” The scene made me… sad. Not #SAD, but legitimately downcast.
Perry’s primary strengths are their big selection of slightly inspired sandwich recipes and the pretty okay quality of their ingredients. The food is slightly better than if you made it in a 3D printer or got it from the grocery chain deli counter. Remarkably unremarkable. But the staff is certainly cheerful and you can tell it’s sort of a family feeling they’ve got going with their employees. Most importantly for Perry’s, the locals seem to love it. Omar S. writes, “I Like The Sandwiches at This Place.I know The Owner He's A Very Nice Guy.” Powerful stuff, but why the initial caps?
It should also be noted that they are known for their wide selection of hamburger items. (end notation)
The Sandwich
The Fireman’s Special featured nice thick hunks of store-roasted chicken instead of pan-fried, microwaved, baked or trucked in from Florida. A solid choice and I appreciated that flavor much more than sliced chicken. Also included was a generous amount of avocado, mayo, mustard, tomato, onion and pickle – all of which (thanks to my aforementioned poor decision making) made it onto my pants, shoes, shirt and steering wheel of my car (fuckity fuck).
In summary, I will definitely be back! Especially, when I’m in Fairfax and am hungry and don’t really care where the calories come from.